Boob Lexicon: Professional, Public, & Private Nicknames (Oops)

From ‘The Girls’ to ‘Tig Ol’ Bitties’ — naming boobs is an art. Drop your icks & faves. Let’s normalise the chaos.

Okay, real talk — who here doesn’t think about their boobs? Mine have been my ride-or-dies for, like, half my life at this point. We’re a package deal — literally. We do everything together. They’re iconic, they’re fun, and honestly, they deserve their names. But here’s the thing… my naming skills? Mid. I’ve gone with classics like “The Twins” or “The Girls” (we’ll circle back to that one).

Could I list every random nickname I’ve thrown at them? Sure, but we’d be here all day, and let’s be real — you already know all the options. So, let’s break down what I call them… and what someone else might call them. First up — the P’s of Boob Terminology™:

Professional Mode: “Breasts.” Example: At the doctor’s office, trying to sound like a Responsible Adult™. “Yes, my breasts are doing just fine, thank you.” Pro tip? If you need adulting hacks, I gotchu. Public (Casual) Vibes: “Boobs.” Example: At the gym, mid-workout. Not that I’m out here giving TED Talks about them (gym creeps don’t deserve the content), but when I’m sweating it out? Boobs is the only energy that fits. And yes, that’s still adulting — fight me.

So, what’s your go-to boob vocab? Drop your faves below — no wrong answers (unless you say “chest pillows,” then we need to talk).

Yeah, I said bewbs — like it’s boobs in a cheap Halloween costume. Out loud, they sound the same, but in writing? Boobs is giving elegant royalty, while bewbs is that chaotic honky-tonk vibe. And honestly? I rotate between the two depending on my mood. Now, in Private Mode™? Whole different story. My husband’s got a menu of nicknames — jugs, fun bags, motorboat (okay, that last one’s technically a verb, but you get the vibe). We get creative, and honestly? No notes. So to recap the Three P’s of Titty Taxonomy:

Professional: Breasts (aka “I’m a grown-up, I swear”). Public: Boobs/Bewbs (casual queen energy). Private: Whatever chaos we feel like (bless this mess). BUT. One nickname crossed the line. One fateful night, my husband hit me with “Tig Ol’ Bitties.” And y’all… I felt my soul leave my body. The cringe was violent. Like, why did those words exist in that order? Instant ick.

So, what’s the worst boob nickname you’ve ever heard? Drop your icks below — I need to know I’m not alone. The first time he hit me with ‘Tig Ol’ Bitties,’ I hit him back with my sweetest Southern ‘Well, bless your heart’ — which, as we all know, just means ‘I hope you step on a Lego.’ But the second time? Oh nah. That got him a full New York-style ‘CEASE AND DESIST, SIR.’… why does that phrase even exist? I cringe just typing it.

And guess what? I’m not alone in my boob-naming icks. Take Martha Stewart on the Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover (iconic, btw — goals for all of us at 81, honestly).

The crew kept calling hers ‘The Girls,’ and afterwards? Martha was like, ‘Hard pass. I hate cutesy names for body parts.’ Mood, Martha. Mood. Then there’s Dolly Parton — queen of everything, including legendary boob nicknames. Hers? ‘Shock and Awe.’ OBVIOUSLY. Because if anyone’s gonna pull that off, it’s Dolly.

Do I sometimes wish I had that level of confidence (and, let’s be real, that kind of iconic cleavage)? Sure. But until then, I’ll just admire from afar. Dolly, if you’re reading this… tell me your secrets. And also, how does it feel to wield that kind of power?

The Bottom Line

So here’s the deal — boobs are like fingerprints: universally present but wildly unique in how we talk about them. Whether you’re a “breasts” purist, a “bewbs” anarchist, or a “Shock and Awe” visionary, one thing’s clear — naming them is half the fun (and half the trauma, depending on who’s yelling “Tig Ol’ Bitties” across the room). At the end of the day, they’re just along for the ride — jiggling, bouncing, and occasionally getting called “the girls” against their will. So let’s raise a glass (or a supportive bra strap) to the chaos, the cringe, and the occasional stroke of nickname genius.

And if all else fails? Follow Dolly’s lead and weaponise the absurdity. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go have a stern talk with mine about why they still haven’t earned a legendary title. We’re aiming for “Iconic Duo,” not “Those Two.” Priorities, people. Drop your best (or worst) below — no judgment. (Okay, maybe a little.)